Additional Quotes from Spectrum: Detour of Wrong
A doubt niggled away the back of Leah's mind as she stood and faced Bearciple however, because as she had just experienced and discovered, at times he could be like a wooden stick dam of vagueness that only allowed certain drips of information to squeeze through the gaps in its structure via some little spaces in-between a few roughly placed twigs and sticks which meant, the provision of details in some of his more selective discussions could be rather sparse. ~ Jill Thrussell
In fact, some of Bearciple's explanations from what Leah had heard so far, seemed to just skirt around the outlines of a topic much like a rough sketch as he paid absolutely no regard to the details that she might expect to fill the interior which meant that those details for the most part remained unfilled, blank, incomplete and unshaded, especially when it came to the issue of the tunnels and his tour. ~ Jill Thrussell
Regardless of that possible lack of cooperation on Bearciple's part and Leah's uncertainty that he would actually provide a comprehensive response, she prepared to ask him some questions about the two metal objects anyway, since both objects had remained in a stationary position, were still motionless and had prodded her curiosity because they did occupy the tunnel that the two had entered and one metal square definitely seemed quite ready to play an active part in Bearciple's tour as it hovered in silent limbo above the other and so, she definitely that the metal squares had some kind of purpose. ~ Jill Thrussell
The two large square items did occupy the tunnel that the two had stepped into and Leah noticed that one metal square definitely seemed to be ready to play an active part in Bearciple's tour as it hovered in silent limbo above the other and so, she suspected that the metal squares had some kind of purpose, albeit a rather ambiguous one. ~ Jill Thrussell
Quite predictably and fully in alignment with Leah's expectations as she turned back to the face the hybrid creatures, she noticed that some of the hybrids had begun to penetrate the interior of the hovercart as the creatures boldly drew closer to the two occupants inside it which sent a rumble of shivery earthquake like tremors of alarm down her spine. ~ Jill Thrussell
Some nervous screams threatened to erupt from Leah's lips from the volcano of fear that bubbled away just below the surface of her simulated skin but even more alarmingly for Leah, as the hovercart and the two passed by some of the creatures' positions that had not yet latched onto the hovercart, their proximity rapidly become closer as they too joined the hybrids that had already landed upon and infiltrated its exterior and interior. ~ Jill Thrussell
Every single spare inch of Bearciple's hovercart was swiftly polluted, infested and contaminated by the hybrids as Leah watched in fearful silence as the creatures not only swarmed around outside it but also inside it like a relentless whirlpool stream of angry, wild aggression and a whirlwind swarm of animalistic rage and as the hovercart's interior become fuller, she cowered against a corner of it to try and avoid the increasingly bold avalanche of wild attacks. ~ Jill Thrussell
Something else it appeared had definitely been set in motion through Leah's creation of Spectrum that could not now be controlled, modified or tweaked because her invention which she had given an actual life and form to had not just evolved but had also travelled along those evolutionary changes and uncertain routes in an unpredictable manner to a very unknown destination. ~ Jill Thrussell
Although Leah couldn't quite put her simulated fingers or mind on what exactly that something else was because it was something that she did not yet fully understand since it had not been foreseeable when she had initially designed and created the Spectrum prototype, the notion and implications of that uncertain evolutionary growth, captivated her thoughts for a few minutes as she remained silently fascinated and absolutely intrigued. ~ Jill Thrussell
In some ways, Leah quietly contemplated as she watched the hovercart glide silently along the dark tunnel, she almost felt as if Spectrum had developed its own personality because it now looked as if each element within it seemed to organically grow and adapt within its own sphere of simulated existence every time it was accessed and she had experienced that herself since her very first visit. ~ Jill Thrussell
Despite the unpredictable nature of those evolutionary changes, Leah now felt intrigued by that random, sporadic capacity, although the technical issues that those evolutionary, random processes raised, did make her question how that organic growth might vary from user to user because those variable elements it appeared, could skew tremendously with steep trajectories of uncertainty and seemed to be able to generate an infinite number of totally random outcomes. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Perhaps when we give life to something that we invent Bearciple, it can grow and travel far beyond our original creation." Leah concluded as she smiled. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Yes, that is true but I doubt it." Bearciple reassured her as he began to thoughtfully inspect the interior of his hovercart. "I never usually have more than twenty visitors on any particular day which is probably just due to the nature of the location because wrath isn't really a popular destination for most." He acknowledged. "It's usually a location that no one wants to see much, visit often or experience regularly." ~ Jill Thrussell
Bearciple released a sad sigh as he began to shake his head. "Quite sadly Leah, I'm afraid the Crystal Mountains of Lost Souls are natural but not in the way that you might expect because each mountain is actually formed from crystals that merge with the lost souls that the Bay of Wrath consumes." He explained. "So, I guess in some ways, the mountains are a unique blend of nature, evil and wrath. Unfortunately, although the mountains do look beautiful, inside each one they carry the stamp of wrath, the ores of wickedness and the remnants of death which means that the beauty you can see, is not virtuous in any capacity at all and nor does it represent anything pleasant." ~ Jill Thrussell
"Well, the Bay of Wrath only consumes the souls of those with a very impure mind or an evil heart from the lives that are lost here which are the lives that the seas claim for whatever reason because every death that occurs in the Bay of Wrath is actually intentional." Bearciple mentioned as he glanced at a shiny crystal surface nearby and shook his head again. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Once the Bay of Wrath captures and consumes a wicked soul, that soul then becomes an energy source that the bay utilizes to maintain and sustain its own lifeforce which is very much alive because at times, the bay needs to re-energize itself and who better to feed off than the wicked, evil, cruel and heartless? So essentially, the evil souls that are lost here become part of the source of power that some of them sought out and they then feed the Bay of Wrath's lifeforce with their own lives and souls, so what some initially sought after, they then become a slave to." He admitted. "It isn't pretty but then nothing about wrath is particularly attractive." ~ Jill Thrussell
"I try not to be Bearciple." Leah joked as she grinned. "Do artificial actions count as impure, or just real actions, or is judgement based solely upon intentions?" ~ Jill Thrussell
Sadly and tragically, Leah concluded, the beautiful Crystal Mountains of Lost Souls were tainted because every single one had been created from a source of death and from the evil, wicked and cruel souls that had been taken to form each one's very existence and that simulated reality had no beautiful artificial edges to it. ~ Jill Thrussell
Although each crystal mountain surface shimmered and shone with splendor, glory and innocence as Leah now knew, their formation had originated from a truly ugly source but it still seemed slightly strange to her that such an ugly source had resulted in such beauty and such immaculate perfection because that beauty, despite its evil origins, was definitely, completely and utterly undeniable. ~ Jill Thrussell
However, the Crystal Mountains of Lost Souls did make Leah wonder for a moment, how such evil formations could embody so much wickedness and yet still look so splendidly magnificent with such total ease. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Well usually, after anger subsides there are things that people wish they hadn't said or done in some of their angrier moments and so, the Fountain of Sincere Wishes allows wish makers to correct and repair some of those angry mistakes." Bearciple mentioned. "It's actually one of the highlights of my tour and some people even visit the Bay of Wrath just to see it, especially if they've done something hugely regretful to someone else and that's usually where they make a repair wish to try to put things right." ~ Jill Thrussell
However, as Leah walked, she was well aware that her silence in this instance wasn't a comfortable or pleasant one and that it was one that seemed to lurk around and hang over the edge of a deep, bottomless, internal ravine of fear and so as she neared the cave's entrance, she paused for a moment then glanced back at the hovercart as she sought out some kind of final reassurances from Bearciple that her fears would not hold true or tip her straight into that dark, fearful, bottomless ravine. ~ Jill Thrussell
Due to the rocky, treacherous dangers that lurked in the stormy, choppy waters around the ship, Leah's struggle continued for another few minutes and as her throat became dry and parched, it almost felt as if the fear of failure had robbed her airways of any lubrication as she leant in and continued to try and steer the ship. ~ Jill Thrussell
However, danger lurked in every breathe that Leah took and so she could taste the fear that clung on to the roof of her mouth and that lined her tongue because as she already knew, if she made one wrong miscalculation or failed to coordinate her mirrored movements correctly, everyone on board the vessel would perish. ~ Jill Thrussell
Just for a moment Leah's mind delved into the possibility that if she did make a mistake that the vessel under her command would then end up just like the shipwreck that she had explored earlier that afternoon and that perhaps she too would then become a skeleton captain who sat beside a rotten wooden table that would perhaps have to wait decades for chance and fate to rescue her from a perpetually rotten eternity. ~ Jill Thrussell
In fact, the harsh combination of coldness that Leah now felt, seemed to swim deeper and deeper into her simulated form with each paddley stroke as she swam and as it fully penetrated every part of her core from every direction and every possible angle, she longed to see the interior of the cave again, if only to experience the small glimmers and tiny flickers of warmth that it had contained just for another moment in time. ~ Jill Thrussell
Due to the grief that trickled into Leah's senses from every direction, she suddenly began to feel like an intruder that had broken into other people's sadness which in this instance she felt, probably related to one of the people that had been inside the watery waves that quite possibly, she had not been able to rescue or reach on time. ~ Jill Thrussell
A sense of discomfort suddenly seemed to gather inside Leah's simulated form because her guilty discomfort was an extremely uncomfortable position to not only stand in but also be in and so, she swiftly began to survey the rest of the graveyard as she prepared to move off again as she attempted to interrupt and avoid her own feelings of guilty failure. ~ Jill Thrussell
Essentially that day, Leah had not only discovered her own potential heroic capacity but she had also uncovered and now had to fully accept her really quite dismal human limitations which had only lived up to quite limited heroic ambitions and results. ~ Jill Thrussell
The stone structure was surrounded by a waist high metallic fence and since it held the promise of slightly more comfort for Leah than her present location because it was not surrounded by mourners and especially not mourners for a funeral service that had arisen due to her own lack of heroic delivery, she began to walk slowly but enthusiastically towards it as she prepared to inspect the structure's interior as if she had an actual legitimate reason to do so. ~ Jill Thrussell
Perhaps, Leah considered as she watched the hovercart enter into another tunnel and then glide along it, her simulated acts of unfaithfulness and her fictional betrayal of Zidane did count as being impure in the moral scorecard that the Mirror of Trials applied and perhaps Spectrum did consider that simulated aspect of morality as relevant and maybe that was why her reflection had disappeared and had been lost. ~ Jill Thrussell
Another memory had been sparked in Leah's own mind which unfortunately, belonged to Leah herself as through her interactions with the three mourners, she was now reminded of her own inability to rescue more people than she had and that regretful discomfort now appeared to silently transform what had initially seemed like a heroic achievement into a truly horrible result which was far from pleasant. ~ Jill Thrussell
Very uncomfortably, Leah's inability to save more people now provoked her to question her own failures as the shadow of guilt that hung over her heart, lingered in the shadows of her conscience and clothed her thoughts in dark guilty discomfort, rapidly started to prickle her simulated pores and every inch of her simulated form. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Guilt can be such a heavy weight upon the heart because it can live for so long and with time it can fester inside of you, decay every part of you and grow heavier and heavier. You can't possibly carry it around with you everywhere you go in life because you really won't make it that far, it will eat you up inside." The female church elder replied. "You should try to put it down somewhere really and if you like, you can even leave it here because fortunately, forgiveness in this establishment is a gift that will be given to you when you sincerely ask for it." ~ Jill Thrussell
Quite strangely it seemed, Leah concluded as she watched the hovercart enter into another tunnel and then glide gently along it, Spectrum seemed to have a moral scorecard inbuilt into this particular emotional experience and so her emotional journey that day had somehow, incorporated that ethical aspect into her experiences and her interactions within that environment. ~ Jill Thrussell
However, Leah now worried that her simulated acts of unfaithfulness and her fictional betrayal of Zidane might actually count as being impure in the moral scorecard that the Mirror of Trials applied and that perhaps Spectrum would consider that simulated aspect of morality as relevant and maybe, she began to conclude that was why her reflection had disappeared and had actually been lost. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Nothing in life or nature is ever really free Leah." Bearciple teased as he grinned. "Even your own usage of time will cost you any other opportunity that could occur in the minutes and hours that you expend upon a particular task, achievement or life experience which you could perhaps have spent on something else. Every choice in life that you make costs you something because you forgo any other alternatives that are accessible to you." ~ Jill Thrussell
Very interestingly for Leah however, throughout her experiences inside Spectrum she had discovered the deep depths of the full human emotional spectrum and how both positive and negative emotions could invoke deep emotional responses and reactions from others where there was an emotional correlation or any kind of close emotional proximity to an event, outcome or experience that triggered or created deep wells of emotion. ~ Jill Thrussell
From what Leah had understood and had realized from her experiences that day, anger could create so many hostages of pain and so many casualties of despair because quite often anger could be a response to grave wrongs that had been suffered, huge injustices that had been experienced or deep hurts that had been inflicted which meant that actions in anger often bore not only the remnants but also the backlash of tremendous hurts entrenched in the devastation of heartbroken shock. ~ Jill Thrussell
Some tender affection, devoted attention and passionate adoration, Leah felt, were definitely overdue and owed to Zidane's heart because he had not only remained but also sustained and maintained such a consistent supply of supportive love to her own heart even though it had required huge sacrifices from him and it had cost the couple years in terms of her work on Spectrum, through his acts of extremely selfless and tireless devotion. ~ Jill Thrussell
"I mean these offers are absolutely a million light years away from our current lifestyle which means that Spectrum is our ticket to financial freedom, so we won't be living in the cargo baggage area anymore on this flight of life." Leah pointed out triumphantly. ~ Jill Thrussell
"True. Yes that would be a wise thing to do." Leah agreed as she nodded her head in response. "You know, I just feel so excited Zidane, it feels like the air around me is made from happiness and as if every time I breathe in, each breath lifts my heart and mind higher up into the air. Now, after all that frustration I endured in the basement, it feels like achievement is just hanging around in the air all around me like a piece of ripe fruit that's ready to be plucked, devoured, savored, tasted and enjoyed. I remember how frustrated I could be at times but now, it's like success has stopped avoiding me, has come to visit me and has even knocked upon my front door. ~ Jill Thrussell
Somehow, Zidane had trekked through the deserts of solitude and he had coped with the lack of attention and the usual focused devotion that Leah usually offered to his heart and she simply couldn't fault him for his loyal, faithful, tireless dedication which had been admirable because he had continued to remain steadfastly joined to her side with ribbons of love that had been stretched, knocked around, torn apart and trodden into the ground for several years. ~ Jill Thrussell
Unlike other lovers that would perhaps have abandoned Leah at the first sign of hard work, concentrated effort and prolonged sacrifice since the couple's relationship had been quite young at the time of their graduation, Zidane had rolled up his sleeves, put his hand on the plough of effort and then had not only planted seeds of supportive care but had also tended to each one meticulously. ~ Jill Thrussell
Never before in Leah's entire life had she ever felt so certain about anyone else's commitment and devotion to her heart than in Zidane's arms and it was the first time that anything outside Leah's own being, except of course scientific principles, models and formula, had ever given her that stability of absolute certainty which was a huge comfort in the mass jungle of life's fluctuations. ~ Jill Thrussell
Life as Leah already knew, usually offered very little certainty and extremely risky potential returns of happiness that were not often guaranteed or ever truly realized but Zidane was ultimately, the one reliable supplier that was focused solely upon her heart that wanted to ensure that it would be full of as much happiness and love as it was possible for one person to provide. ~ Jill Thrussell
Deep down inside, Leah knew that Spectrum's sale was the wisest thing to do in the long term and that even though the couple had both made some huge sacrifices to realize that achievement, she could now see that Spectrum itself was the ultimate sacrifice that she would have to make, especially if she wished to salvage her relationship from the brink of a delicate breakup that now just sat a few disappointments away. ~ Jill Thrussell
Ultimately, the sale of Spectrum would provide the couple with the happy ending that they had worked so hard to achieve and as Leah now fully appreciated, fairy tale endings certainly weren't cheap or even easy to secure because at times her work on Spectrum had verged upon the impossible and had tied her mind up in knots of mental frustration. ~ Jill Thrussell
However, Leah had diligently climbed up that mountain of achievement and had finally managed to reach the glorious top with the supportive financial safety harnesses that Zidane had generously provided, so to try to climb up another even bigger mountain of achievement didn't really make much sense, not if she wanted to start a family with Zidane in the near future because such actions and decisions, would only place the couple under tremendous financial pressure. ~ Jill Thrussell
Financially, Zidane had always supported Leah and he had made sure over the past few years that she had never suffered from the severe pains of hardship or poverty that so many of her colleagues in the scientific industry usually bore as they sought to pursue their lifetime ambitions and the actual physical manifestation of their research as they aimed to reach for the creation and completion of their inventions. ~ Jill Thrussell
Unlike the start of the couple's relationship where Leah had rescued Zidane from the brink of despair, for the past few years he had through his consistent efforts and tireless dedication, provided a crutch of loyal love that had supported Leah through some of her more dismal moments inside the basement throughout Spectrum's creation as she had wrestled with frustrations and tackled problematic situations that at times had seemed fathoms deep and so she doubted her own ability to reach that port of completion without his loyal support. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Ah the basement." Neil joked with a grin. "The place where all great inventions are usually birthed and then kept for years in darkness and dust until the light rays of ingenuity finally strike and illuminate their fully glory." ~ Jill Thrussell
A hand was run through Leah's hair as she began to consider how much the hairdresser would have to cut off because she hadn't been to the salon for a while and due to that lack of attention, her hair now felt like a bunch of twigs and branches that had simply been plonked on top of her head or a garden bed of flowers that was overgrown with knotty weeds. ~ Jill Thrussell
Not only had the mature couple's relationship stood the test of time, Leah observed but it had weathered the many storms of life which they had survived not only as individuals but also as united allies in their union of love and that harmonious achievement, although it lacked any professional capacity, somehow seemed equally important in Leah's mind to the business that they had managed to sustain and maintain throughout those years. ~ Jill Thrussell
The couple's professional dedication to their business was also admirable in Leah's sight, although the fruits of their labor were quite simple and humble but the couple had somehow, managed to survive the many years of pressure from large corporate competitors and had managed to accommodate impulse buyers with unique and unusual product ranges and a delightful range of freshly baked cakes and breads. ~ Jill Thrussell
Somehow, Leah concluded as she waited to be served, the couple had found a way to operate and function in a highly competitive retail environment and their business which had stood strong, now crowned their union and their relationship almost like a crown of triumphant glory as it stood as a testament to their years of hard work and commitment to each other. ~ Jill Thrussell
Upon Zidane's face Leah could see that there was a stressed, uncomfortable, tense, shocked expression and as she turned to face the screen, much to her absolute horror, she suddenly realized why because she was the star of the show upon it but this particular show was more like a soft porn show than a clean living sitcom and so she could fully understand his facial expressions. ~ Jill Thrussell
Some awful, silent seconds went by as Leah watched some seconds of offensive passionate footage on the screen as a wave of total embarrassment and shame flooded over her body and a sudden wrench of guilty vomit seemed to turn over inside her stomach due to her unfaithful antics inside Spectrum which were now on full display. ~ Jill Thrussell
In so many ways as Leah already knew, Spectrum had been Zidane's rival in that it had siphoned her love and drained her attention away from him as her invention had starved Zidane off her time but that wasn't the only issue now, because now he also knew, that Spectrum had also stolen her fidelity to his heart which was the one thing that had held them together through the past few years of hard daily slogs. ~ Jill Thrussell
Although Leah should have spent more time wrapped up in Zidane's arms, some of her evenings inside the basement she had spent not only wrapped up in her invention Spectrum but also wrapped up in the arms of fictitious strangers as he had waited patiently for her attention to return to his heart and unfortunately, Zidane had now discovered her very real, artificial betrayals which had no pleasant edges just ugly, tainted, rotten decor tinged with mold and drenched in the stench of betrayal. ~ Jill Thrussell
The silence between the couple on this occasion was not like the couple's usual silences in moments of sensual admiration or joyful appreciation and Leah definitely felt the ugliness of it because this silence was the ugly silence of Leah's betrayal and the awful silence of Zidane's discovery and a very bitter silence that could not deny or avoid the acknowledgement of the truth which now hung over their lives, heads, home and future like a huge, dirty, very dark black cloud. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Right now Leah, I really need some space because all I can feel in my stomach is the vomit from your betrayal which is churning and turning over and over at about a hundred miles an hour." Zidane said as he paused for a few seconds and pulled his arm away. "You've crushed my heart and smashed it into a thousand tiny pieces like a demolition bulldozer and that just can't be forgiven and forgotten and certainly not in a few regretful minutes. Every act of betrayal was like a blow to my heart and mind because you were so willing, how can I just forgive that? Seedy humiliation after humiliation and so many times, how can I just forget those?" He shook his head in disgust. "I can't even think about this right now, it absolutely repulses me." ~ Jill Thrussell
"And to think that the person that I'd brought here to help you, became a spectator and audience to your destruction of our relationship that's another very deep hurt to carry and something else that I'll have to come to terms with." Zidane admitted. "Today I've had to swallow a very bitter pill of infidelity and it feels like a rock of pain inside my stomach, I mean I even helped to pay for Spectrum's creation and I supported you financially which means, those same supportive efforts, you basically trashed and smashed to bits. So I can hardly even breathe right now because I feel like the air in here is suffocating me." ~ Jill Thrussell
A guilty residue seemed to line and burn the insides of Leah's heart and lungs with each breath that she took as she watched Zidane depart and the snack bar that she had eaten earlier that morning seemed to churn around inside her stomach as the scenes that she'd watched in Zidane's presence, flashed through her thoughts and the graphic imagery ran through her mind. ~ Jill Thrussell
Although Zidane had left alone, Leah felt as if a shadow of disappointment had followed him out of their basement which he had left clothed in an invisible robe of hurt, weighed down by the heavy weight of heartbreak that she had ultimately created and caused, all of which had hung from his broken frame but she felt powerless to change anything because ultimately, his broken state had arisen due to her own heartless actions. ~ Jill Thrussell
Deep down inside Leah knew that very much like the marinated steak that she had prepared earlier that day, Zidane's words were marinated in falsehood and simply uttered to appease her because it was highly unlikely that they would speak to each other again that day and so his promise meant very little, due to his obvious lack of desire or any willful intentions to honor it. ~ Jill Thrussell
Each word uttered by Zidane, Leah felt had simply been spoken to lubricate and usher in his escape from the couple's home which contained Leah's betrayals inside its walls, down in their basement and those betrayals which had broken his heart so much, from what she could sense, he could not face, accept or deal with in any capacity at all. ~ Jill Thrussell
Despite all Zidane's efforts however, Leah had insulted him through her own simulated actions in the least expected way and that insult had been too heavy for him to carry or to forgive, so now all she was left to stew in was Spectrum and a basement full of regrets, the very same things that she had ultimately utilized to betray Zidane's heart in the first place. ~ Jill Thrussell
Every part of Leah felt empty and totally defeated as she walked back towards the lounge and then collapsed on the sofa because she now felt that all that lay ahead for her without Zidane's devotion, was an empty future that had been vacated by hope and abandoned by love. ~ Jill Thrussell
A romantic partnership like the one that Zidane had provided to Leah's heart as she already appreciated, was almost impossible to find and offers of romance weren't usually that sincere at the best of times and at the worst could be a total nightmare and so Leah had taken a very unromantic step backwards in life. ~ Jill Thrussell
In terms of Leah's personal love goals and life goals, she had wanted to marry Zidane and to raise a family with him but that final romantic achievement that had lain just outside the couple's romantic grasp and reach, just before it had been realized, had now been reversed and the couple's steps towards it totally erased which meant that her romantic achievements in life were now, completely null and void. ~ Jill Thrussell
The rest of that night seemed to crawl by as only Leah's tears kept her company because although she had attempted to call Zidane a few times, he had not accepted a single call from her phone and so Leah had remained uncomfortably wrapped up in an icy cold solitude made from nothing but guilty, self-inflicted heartbreak. ~ Jill Thrussell
Nothing but absolute disappointment seemed to wrap its clammy arms around Leah's body as she stood beside the bathroom sink and prepared to wash her cheeks which now stung due to the all the salty tears that she had shed. ~ Jill Thrussell
The fresh warm water however, didn't seem to help because as Leah splashed some water onto her face, she noticed that the disappointment that oozed from her pores seemed to antagonize every drop and prickle the pores of her skin which made her face sting even more. ~ Jill Thrussell
In some strange way, it almost felt to Leah as if fate and life were against her because she had worked so hard on Spectrum and Zidane had been totally devoted to their relationship and it now felt so cruel that their combined efforts had resulted in nothing but hardship and punishment to both their hearts. ~ Jill Thrussell
Very devastatingly for Leah, for the first time since the couple had laid eyes on each other, Zidane could no longer stand Leah's company for a single second and she honestly couldn't blame him because she felt almost saturated in her own self disgust. ~ Jill Thrussell
Despite that hurtful desertion just as Leah thought her day couldn't get any worse, as she glanced up at the mirror inside the bathroom, she suddenly noticed something else in that her reflection appeared to be present for just a second before it began to swiftly fade from sight then vanished from view completely which added to her worries even more. ~ Jill Thrussell
In fact everything that had seemed to matter that morning to Leah's mind, now seemed to have totally deserted her because the happiness from the potential sale of Spectrum had fled from her being earlier that day, due to her jaded simulated indiscretions which had now been fully exposed, uncovered and discovered. ~ Jill Thrussell
Instead of the expected Spectrum departure from Leah's life in the coming week, another very unexpected departure had interrupted that joyful moment and had instantly preceded it and replaced it with total heartbreak. ~ Jill Thrussell
Due to the raw self-inflicted wounds that now lay inside Leah's heart and mind, no self forgiveness was on offer yet or available to her heart, nor was it a gift or a luxury that she could give to her own mind because the heartbreak still beat hard inside her heart as it pounded against her ribcage and nothing but absolute guilt seemed to flush through her veins. ~ Jill Thrussell
The remnants of Zidane's presence in Leah's life which was what Fink now represented, would perhaps just become an ugly residue and an awful stain of pain upon Leah's heart that would painfully remind her each day of her guilty participation in Zidane's departure and so unusually for once, she decided not to fix the vocal programmable output which appeared to have suffered some kind of malfunction. ~ Jill Thrussell (origins stain of pain on my heart Next of Kin pilot script)
Nothing but a shadow of disappointed hurt with dark edges of guilty discomfort seemed to linger all around Leah as she finished with the Spectrum files and then stood up as she prepared to leave the basement because she had become so comfortable with her life inside her wrongs that she had almost forgotten that her simulated betrayals had even happened or existed. ~ Jill Thrussell
"I don't think Zidane will ever come back Fink." Leah acknowledged as she glanced at the screen that clung to the basement wall and addressed the programmable voice directly but also her own inner thoughts. "He's gone forever. Very stupidly, I traded my future and our tomorrow in for a more exciting today and so now, I've lost everything and the one person in this world that really mattered the most." She mourned. ~ Jill Thrussell
In a strange turn of events and harsh twist of fate however, Leah had now become the root cause of Zidane's pain not the main source of joy to his heart that she had once been and instead of love, Leah now represented heartbreak, instead of hope, she was now a symbol of despair and instead of a beautiful future, now all the two had was an ugly recent history tarnished by Leah's own hands, actions, mind and creation. Jill Thrussell
Honesty had always been one Zidane's strengths and it was one of his personal attributes that Leah absolutely loved but in this instance that honesty, it now appeared had become a shield to his own heart that sought to protect him from Leah's betrayals and her false pretention which had inflicted severe damage upon his heart and there would be no return from that dark, dismal, cold, lonely place of hurt for either of them. ~ Jill Thrussell
Every part of Leah knew as she glanced around the empty bedroom and at the empty bed that she was still seated upon that Zidane and their romantic partnership had been the one luxury in life that her heart had been able to easily afford because Zidane had given his own heart to her so sincerely, so willingly and so generously. ~ Jill Thrussell
In every possible area of the couple's romantic partnership as Leah knew, there had been an abundance of romantic riches and the wealthy joys from their romantic companionship which had stemmed from their mutual appreciation of each other's hearts had grown from their mutual respect for each other and those wealthy romantic joys had regularly overflowed as they had meandered through each day of life together. ~ Jill Thrussell
No matter how hard however, Leah analyzed what had happened that day every part of the awful truth felt extremely uncomfortable for her to now live and reside in as her skin crawled with absolute self-disgust because in every way, her own conduct now seemed totally illogical and extremely self destructive because Zidane had always been good to her heart and good for her life in every way that he possibly could have been. ~ Jill Thrussell
In one sharp downward turn of reality that day, Leah's life had totally deviated from the almost formulaic romantic bliss and happiness that Zidane and she had both totally subscribed and fully committed their hearts to and her departure from that romantic bliss didn't make even a scrap of sense because she had ruined their relationship herself. ~ Jill Thrussell
The commitment and the sacrifices that the couple had diligently both made so consistently as Leah knew, should have resulted in a beautiful home, a pleasant marriage and a wonderful family not a deep plunge into an immersive closeup relationship with the deep waves of heartbreak, pain and hurt that she had taken a hard dive into, some remnants of which might not ever actually leave her heart due to her own self-inflicted loss. ~ Jill Thrussell
Suddenly, a landslide of guilty realization seemed to land upon Leah's head and jump into her thoughts as she began to process the scene that she had just watched and Bearciple's comments which had ultimately, been generated by a product of her own creation which now pierced her heart like a very sharp dart full of painful truths. ~ Jill Thrussell
Regretfully and sadly, Leah's deception and betrayals which had now been fully exposed to Zidane by her own creation, had definitely been deemed an unacceptable accompaniment to his usual dietary intake which had sought only a basic menu of love, care, honesty and fidelity without any nasty, bitter side portions of heartbreak. ~ Jill Thrussell
"Even though Zidane is fully entitled to my guilt, he doesn't seem to want it, or me." Leah mourned as she ran her finger across the smooth, transparent capsule surface. "We were so close to having the perfect life together but now, we don't even have any life together at all."
The look on Zidane's face as Leah watched him walk out of their bedroom broke her heart because their relationship had ended and their future had become obsolete in one short, ugly paragraph of life, not even a chapter but just a few short horrible sentences full of hurt, strung together with nothing but a few scribbly notes of heartbreak and written in letters with fonts of pain. ~ Jill Thrussell
Some of the quotes from Spectrum from the old website.